Ah, the hour-long result shows are back -- the weekly lesson on time management and time erosion that drives even the most faithful of "American Idol" fans into frustration. The Wednesday night (March 10) Wild Card result show offers a glimpse at "Idol's" most efficient side and its most prodigal.

The first thing that eager-eyed viewers will notice is that host Ryan Seacrest has shaved. I wouldn't bring it up except that it's one of those things that I've long hoped for but never thought I'd see in my lifetime -- like a Red Sox World Series win or an Oscar for Bill Murray. However, Ryan's pallid gray suit fades into the background, leaving his over-tanned face standing out like the Cheshire Cat's smile.

With nary a pause, Ryan zips through a recap of last night's show, which highlights a few obvious truths: First off, what the producers did to Lisa Leuschner, Eric Yoder, Tiara Purifoy and Marque Lynche is an embarrassment that should never be allowed to happen again. Humiliating young people on national TV without giving them a chance to perform is just cruel. Secondly, Jon Peter "Pen Boy" Lewis just has to be joking with all of us. Thirdly, Leah "Vladowski" Labelle should be allowed to advance just so we can chronicle the malleable puffiness of her hair. And speaking of hair, Jennifer Hudson and Suzy "Sometimes They Call Me 'Susie'" Vulaca should go through, just so that every week the two precisely coifed singers can have a 'Fro-Down.

Things rush smoothly through Ruben Studdard's live performance of his mediocre single "Sorry 2004." You've still got to love the Velvet Teddybear and Simon begs him to reenlist for another "Idol" tour. For whatever reason, Ricky Smith is on hand as well, which makes me contractually obligated to observe, "Hercules! Hercules!"

There's a painfully contrived Q&A between the singers and Ruben in which kids have to suffer through obvious questions like, "Ruben, how did you get to be so great?" and "Can I ever hope to represent my area code as well as you did?" It hurts.

Still, it's 30 minutes into the show and there have only been two brief commercial breaks. Things are about to get ugly. In the show's final half, there is a 50-50 split between product plugs and the growing semi-tension.

The first judge to reveal his Wild Card choice is Randy, who says that it was a tough one, although he notes, "The Dawg doesn't stay up all night agonizing."

He picks Jennifer, which is hardly a surprise. She's got a great voice, but her eyes still scare me.

Having offered a full four minutes of quality entertainment, it's time to sell something.

Paula is next with her Wild Card pick. Paula loves everybody. If she could pick every one of the show's millions of viewers, she probably would. Instead, though, she puts Leah through, following Simon's advice from last night.

Leah rewards Paula's confidence with an off-key encore of "Let's Stay Together."

Having offered another four minutes of quality entertainment, it's time to sell something else.

Simon says that his Wild Card pick is somebody that the audience will want to see more of. He goes with George Huff. Then, something really awkward happens. Simon asks George to grovel to show his thanks. There's actually a baffling instant where George refers to Simon as "Big Daddy" as he supplicates himself before the British judge. This is the kind of thing they ought to avoid in the future.

George's encore performance of "Lean on Me" is actually much better than last night's rendition. For a guy who wasn't even in the original Round of 32, he's come a long way.

Having offered another four minutes of quality (and somewhat racially retrograde) entertainment, it's time to sell a few more things.

That leaves only the race for the night's highest votegetter, but given the selections by the judges, there can only be one answer. Yes, with 22 percent of the vote, the American people voted for the deadpan charm of Jon Peter. The resigned smile on Simon's face tells the tale.

As Pen Boy breaks into "A Little Less Conversation" and Fantasia and the rest of the Finalists start dancing behind him, it becomes clear that Jon Peter is the Fonz of this season's "American Idol." Or maybe he's the Urkel. Or maybe he's the Gonzo. Or maybe he's the Seth Cohen. Or maybe he's the Shandi. Or maybe he's the David Silver. Or maybe he's the Clay Aiken.

Perhaps imagining these possibilities, the final shot of Simon is with his head in his hands.

Lastly, I'd like to send out special birthday wishes to everybody's favorite "American Idol" guest judge Neil Sedaka, who turns 65 on Saturday. You'll always be ear delicious to us.